I recently went on a 10 mile bike ride with a few of my best friends. This is NOT something I’d normally do and have probably only been on bike 5 times in the past 15 years. The whole “it’s like riding a bike”thing does NOT resonate with me, but I love my friends and this was the moment we were having. One of the guys is a super cycle life guy. He is all up in the bike industry and rides a billion miles for fun.
As we hopped on our beach cruiser bike rentals he advised us all to check our brakes and made an offhand comment about how we should, “get to know your brakes before you need your brakes.” Well, I got to know that my brakes were finicky, squeaked and worked mostly when they wanted to, but more importantly than that. . . I couldn’t stop thinking about how important this concept was in terms of boundaries. We should all be advised to “get to know your boundaries before you need your boundaries.”
In this new age-y world of boundaries and consent and self care and honoring your own needs and finding what serves you, we don’t often talk about the elephant sized assumption in the room: that you actually know the boundaries you are so vehemently defending.
How do we learn our boundaries before we need our boundaries?
It is less than ideal to only learn our boundaries once they have been crossed and seems prudent to have a sense for your boundaries (always with the freedom to evolve and fine tune) so that you can clearly and kindly communicate them to others.
This work is best done by:
Thinking about your boundaries
Talking to others about their boundaries
Meditating on this
Seeking the support of a skilled counsel
Boundaries show you the limit
Essentially, creating an architectural map of your boundaries: work, sex, life, friend, parenting, health. Each category will have it’s hard stops, it’s “depends who you are” section and it’s “I’m choosing to toss this boundary out for you in this moment” area. Our conscious boundary maps should be continuously monitored and modified as we grow and learn, but the proactive mapping of this boundary template should ideally begin in early childhood (e.g. body boundaries).
Desires show you the limitless.
Even more fun that figuring out your needs and communicating how others can honor them is figuring out your desires. What brings you joy and bliss? What feels shiny and fun? What has a magnetic pull on you? What do you find yourself wishing you could do with any free time? Let’s make this a conscious process, too, so that we know both what we don’t want and we know what we do.
If our boundaries are like our brakes, our bliss is like our road map. We need and deserve both.
xo,
Jenna
(Jenna Valentine, L.Ac., AOBTA-CP, MAcOM is the owner at Valentine Care PLLC offering acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine, cupping, body work, and intimacy coaching.)
